I saw this guy....

Let's fast forward a for more years, when I met my husband. I don't know what it was, but the moment I saw him walk unto the church, I knew he was mine. Of course anyone I shared this with thought it was cute and awesome and the youth pastor and his co-teachers even helped convince him to go out with me on a date (back story: he had just been thru a nasty divorce, had two young children and he was 16 years my senior!) So after awhile, we started getting some not nice things said about us from the church congregation. Mostly about our age difference. Most of it I was able to ignore, but some of it hurt, especially when some of my family members chided in. There was even these two older ladies, well older than I was (19) who were literally trying to seduce him from under my nose! One of the ladies approached him after a church service, in front of me no less and told him that "if he ever wanted a real woman that could satisfy him, to give her a call"!!! This was in church people!!! She was offering him SEX in a church. This just blew me away, so of course i was crying and all upset and when my mom came around the corner to see me crying she of course went all protective mother bear on the lady, well the pastor walked up at this point that my mother is talking loudly to the other lady and guess who gets in trouble.....we do. he even threatened to throw us out of the building that day, US..not her. I quickly told the pastor what happened and just dismissed it. Again we were being small people. The other lady actually called my boyfriend at the time and said "she had a hotel room, was all alone and wanted some company, and no one but work knew she was there and no one would ever find out"!! These low lives were my elders in the church trying to entice my boyfriend away from me with SEX!! What the junk people! And there was nothing EVER said to these ladies, ever..!!! We were even brought into the pastors office and had to be asked that we not sit so close in the pews, because it was upsetting some of the members,  that maybe we shouldn't even be able to touch, don't hold hands, no rubbing backs, no leaning together, etc. All PC should be stopped. I mean to hear it, you would think that we were making out in church during service. And trust me, i was doing things by the book, so we were doing no such thing!! I remember that first Christmas we were together, instead of me going all the way home late and coming back to his house early to help set out the things that "SANTA" had brought for the kids, we asked the pastor if we could have his "blessing" for me to sleep over, and to make sure that there was nothing that could be even viewed of as sin, I was going to sleep in the same bed as his mother (who never slept). Of course this was shot down immediately, we were just asking permission to sin and no matter what it gave the appearance of evil. I was so devastated, but that night I drove home at midnight, and was back over at his house at 4am! But I technically didn't spend the night! Ha, take that!

There's always those who are exempt...

Of course as in any type of social higherarchy there are always those who are "untouchable" for one reason or another. People who either contribute greatly ( a deep pocket ) or people who just fawn all over the pastors, bending over so far to kiss their hind end that you can't tell what's what any longer. You know the type. I never understood why some people could do certain things, say certain things and never get in any kind of trouble. Well we started, and by we I mean my family, having trouble with this one certain busy body. Let's for privacy sake call her Skeletora! She started nosing around in my families business, spreading rumors for the humor of her own self. When we brought it to the attention of the pastors, we were told that we were just imagining things, being petty, we should be the bigger people and not let it bother us etc. All because this stupid lady Skeletora was a deep pocket! How Godly is that? Here you have a lady treating God's people like trash, but you sweep it under the rug because of her money? Nope, this never sat well with me. Ever. Eventually the choices of this woman are what led to one of our many reasons of leaving the church all together.

Beside's God, should you have to confess your sins before an audience?

I remember this one time, a really cool couple had come to the church, joined and were so totally involved and were so great with the teenagers. They of course, like you are encouraged to do, invited their families to come and visit. The man's sister started coming, along with some other family members, the woman's parents started coming too. Well the sister in particular, she didn't seem to "FIT" in to the crowd as I recall. Maybe she saw things for what they really were, but after a few months of attending, she wound up...dun dun dunnnn...PREGNANT...OUT OF WEDLOCK...GASP!! Now, I do not necessarily condone this action, but I believe this choice is between you and God, and if you sin it's between you and He to ask for repentance. When the Pastors found out, the girl was given the option to either stand before the congregation and give a public apology of her sins and repent to the people for her actions or she could leave the church. Of course a young girl, who was already confused enough as it is, made the decision to just leave. Well because of this the entire rest of her family left as well. I recall hearing that before this there was a lady who had committed adultery and was made to do the same thing, but afterwards her shame was so great and she wasn't treated the same, felt it best for her to leave as well. So if either way your going to be treated differently, why make a fool of yourself I say. This option was laid before several others, who had "strayed away from the fold" for one reason or another and I only recall two young adult males who actually did it so they could stay at the church or return.

Let's Continue on Shall we....

So after the incindent with my friend, it only seemed inevitable that my eyes had been opened to things that couldn't be "unseen". Unfortunately I would notice more and more instances of oddness. Never calling them to anyone's attention for fear of outcasting my own self. But I do remember this one time, relating to the youth pastor and that teenage girl, we (the youth group) had decided to start attending our High School football games to support the teens who were in our group that were involved in either football or band. One night we went to my high school, and It was pretty cold. I remember we were walking around, trying to find somewhere to sit that would accommodate all of our group. That certain girl was sticking quite close to the youth pastor, but of course this girl and i were friends so I was sticking close too. We found our seats, got settled with the youth pastor between the two of us. He then proceeds to move closer to her, cover their laps with a blanket she had brought and hold her hand (believing that I was not noticing). I said "hey, I'm cold too" so i pushed over and grabbed the blanket so that I could more closely monitor the situation. He then seemed to realize the awkwardness of the situation and grabbed my hand too "to keep me warm too".  Needless to say this little incident did not help my poor young little mind. To wrap up about this one certain ordeal, the year that the teenage girl graduated, they began dating and not long after married! So were the suspicions correct? The world may never know, although I truly suspect YES!

Fast forward, but only a little...

Things seemed to be going great. I do remember a few mixups at home, mostly because of the things that we were being taught in our youth program, we were advised not to share with "others", "What goes on inside these walls is not for other people's ears" (mainly meaning our parents). It was very strange, which now I see as less of a coincidence than when I was younger of course, but whenever we would have a activity or get together, whatever we were calling it that week, we (the teenagers) would go home with some sort of attitude toward our parents, all of us, resulting in us getting in trouble. I mean, wouldn't you have an attitude with your parents when these men and women of God are telling you that your parents are basically holding you back in your relationship with God. Your parents are just sinners because they smoke/drink(even occasionally) and don't attend church every time the doors are opened. Which now that I think about it, my parents were always there, helping, cleaning and fixing things with the money out of their own pockets, never asking for reimbursement, mainly because if you did, you would receive it, but along with it you would get this lecture " I thought you were doing this for God, as part of your tithe, using your talents to further the ministry" so you didn't want to feel like you were "robbing God", so you didn't ask for any reimbursement. But back to the other thing, it never failed, after spending time with the youth group, we would have an attitude. The parents were putting it together, and when they would call it to the attention of us teenagers, of course we would explode, we would be threatened that we couldn't go if that's how we were going to act, they would call it to the attention of the pastors, who coincidentally would add something in the sermon the following service saying "Church should never be used as punishment, what would God say, you should never forsake the assembling together" etc, etc and so on and so forth. So of course, it would all be glossed over and our behavior was likely the result of bad parenting or that we weren't truly following the will of God that week. Whichever held more water that week ya know. I do remember that it always seemed like there was some sort of drama going on with our youth pastor. There was always some girl stalking him, trying to have there way with him, getting too close or being to friendly. Of course these women were pretty much run out of the church, and if they didn't leave they were pushed away from the non existent core group of friends.
    The Core Group, which has been denied for eternity to not exist but clearly does, consists of the youth pastor, his co-teachers  for the teens and a few others. And of course there were a few teens involved in this group, not many, but a few. And for awhile, I was one of the lucky few. I think it mainly was because I was related to my cousin who was miss super christian and was the favorite of everyone there. Anywho, if you happened to cross in any way these certain people, that was it, church society suicide. I remember this one incident, the first big incident where I heard the word "cult" used to describe our church. The youth pastor had a downstairs office, with a window that you could see inside his office with. One day one of the members of the "core group" went by the office during the daytime hours that the pastors held, claiming that when she walked by the window she saw something that was really disturbing to her. She claimed that she saw him in his office alone with a teen age girl who was sitting in an awkward position, and the whole scene was very inappropriate. She immediately went to tell him and the head pastor that she thought this was inappropriate behavior and she didn't like it. Well of course, this was the beginning of the end for her. She was accused of stalking the youth pastor, they told everyone she was a liar and that we really shouldn't have anything to do with her. They said these things in not so many words, but it was made perfectly clear if you get my drift. I was torn, this girl was my friend and I didn't see why, because she spoke up, said what she felt that we had to throw her to the wolves. I remember that after awhile, she and her family left the church, we had a friend in common and I would give her notes to give to this girl for me. And the last note I got from her was one that said "Look up the definition of the word CULT and it will describe our church to the tee". Let me tell you, it hurt my heart so bad that she would say that, so i quite talking to her and passing notes and until this year, I NEVER would look up the definition to the word, mostly i think out of fear that she was right.!.

Is it better to keep your thoughts to yourself?

So let me give this blog a bit of Introduction...This blog is where I will be documenting the things that I went thru while I was a member of what I have come to finally recognize as nothing other than a modern day cult! I know, I know, when you see the word CULT, images automatically flash thru your minds eye of some far out homestead in a dry dusty area of some backwoods land, with a huge fence around the perimeter, maybe a guard posted outside and a large community of women who are all dressed the same and the men as well. Words like Manson Family, Branch Dividians and Jonestown may also flash when hearing the word. Trust me, it took me a long time to realize that not all CULTS are the same and not all are as openly blatant about. I would say there was always something gnawing at me in the back of my mind about the things that were going on and that were expected from us as members, and many times I saw people come and go under interesting circumstances, never leaving quietly for one reason or another, always using the word  cult to explain our churches behavior. So let me start at the beginning, which in my opinion is always a great place to start when telling a story.
     When I was younger, I believe I was about 12 years old, I was attending a exercise class with my two cousins, one older and one younger. One day they were talking about going to church, well honestly I had no desire at the time to attend church, but I wanted to spend more time with my cousins, so I somewhat invited myself to go with them one Wednesday night. When I went it was so amazing how wonderful everyone made me feel, I was fresh meat, young minded, naive and ready to be molded (unbeknownst to me). The youth was so warm and welcoming. I truly was made to feel at home. This feeling is what kept me coming back. A few short weeks later, on a Wednesday night I joined the church, my family following and joined with me the same night. So not only now am I responsible for bringing myself to this place, but my family and several friends (which weighs very heavy on my heart now). After joining a few weeks later, myself, my parents, brother and best friend were all baptised. Everything was so nice and wonderful, as most organized religions are in the beginning. I would see little things here and there that struck me as odd. Hearing tales of things that had happened before my time that kinda scared me a little. But not wanting to question my new found friendships and teachers I kept my mouth shut. Now thinking back, I wish that this was not my choice.